Familiar Pain - AFrhn

Wednesday, September 04, 2019

Familiar Pain



So here's something about Tokngah.


Duduk sebelah rumah, lost her husband (my Atok's brother) in her early 30s - never got married after that, Atok's bestfriend, sayang I macam cucu sendiri sebab basically I grew up with her around as well, punca I tak berapa suka durian sebab masa kecik Tokngah bagi I makan overdose durian sampai demam panas, and a very nice soul.

Masa I kecik sampai sekarang, my parents are abroad. So these atoks figures gave me so much love and took care of me. Tokngah akan berjuang berhabisan kat dapur kalau dapat tau parents I akan balik dan akan manjakan terutamanya mak I dengan laksa kesukaan dia.

Lepas Atok takdak, Tokngah tak pernah suruh I berhenti sedih, apa dia akan buat sebab dia tau I akan skip makan, dia akan pi dekat tingkap bilik dia sambil panggil "Amalinaaa (bukan panggilan sebenar) mai makan maiiii" and refused to eat first sebelum I sampai. So nak taknak I kena pi on time sebab nanti dia gastrik dan I takmau jadi punca Tokngah gastrik haha.

I selalu cakap dekat Tokngah, kalau I diberi peluang untuk jaga Atok sekali lagi, I sanggup. Tuhan makbulkan doa I sebab nak masuk 8 bulan Atok takdak, Tokngah sakit. I clearkan semua jadual kerja I untuk masukkan jaga Tokngah dalam jadual tu. Trips to the hospital became frequent, walaupun hospital tu bagi I sedih tapi demi Tokngah sihat I ingatkan diri I "demi Tokngahhhh you can do disssss"



And I know if Atok were here, she would force me to tend to Tokngah as well.

Sepanjang Tokngah sakit, tak berhenti dia tanya "macam ni ka Atok dulu?" "Macam mana Atok hang dulu handle sakit ni?" "Macam mana hang handle?" 

It was all worth it. The taking care of Atok, taking care of Tokngah, it was all wallahi worth it. 

I was recovering from the pain of losing Atok. 10 months and 19 days after that, the pain came back. Tokngah left us, to join Atok to a better place.




Never have I expected to go through everything again in less than a year. The pain, masyaAllah tak boleh I nak describe.

There will be no more sembang dengan Tokngah pasai salah silah keluarga sebab Tokngah tahu semua okay, no more asking for recipes, no more teasing Tokngah, no more "oiii buat apa tuuu" dari tingkap bilik Tokngah, no more everything.

I am sorry for all the messages that I haven't replied. I am sorry if I decided to not reply after "kena kuat tau" because I know I am stronger than this, and I redha sebab mati tu pasti, I am just dissapointed because I should be strong but I realised I am only a human. 

My favourite girls have gone to a better place where there are no pain and hospitals. Moga kita semua satu keluarga ditemukan kelak bila sampai masa, dekat alam kekal abadi. Until then, miss you girls! and ofcourse, love you. Al-Fatihah.

No comments: