Personal Touch

Even trying to write this post hurts so much but I want to write because I want to remember.

After I finished my studies, Atok wasn't well, so episod kami pi keluaq masuk hospital, cari hospital terbaik untuk Atok banyak sangat for the past year. Don't get me started on the failed treatments, the pains, the countless tears, the countless cuddlings to reassure one another. But above all, the countless laughters and jokes that we managed to find in us that kept us going.

Atok was in pain physically, I was in pain mentally. You know the feeling of you love someone so much you want the best for them? Even sacrifice everything for them? The only thing that kept me going was Atok, and the only thing that kept her going was me. I remember she said to the doctors "saya setuju just for the sake of my granddaughter"

Atok was getting better, up until a point her health deteriorated sebab oh well, biaqkan ja la sebab tu jadi sebab. 

Everytime Atok mentioned "kesian cucu atok" when I came home from work (I travelled Penang-Perak Utara) everyday, it broke my heart because I know deep down she felt helpless, she wanted to do things on her own, she didn't want to burden me although I told her so many times that I did not feel burdened at all, I yang nak jaga Atok. 

Anyway, I am not here to rant because I know all these stories by heart. Atok left me, left our family, left this temporary dunia on the 8th of October 2018. She was perfectly okay (in her own way because I have seen worst), she talked to me before I went to work, she talked to Tokngah, Acu and she even promised the nurses not to drink too much water if they let her go home early. Its weird because the topic of death and what am I going to do when Atok is no longer here have been our topics for a few weeks time and suddenly BAM, everything that we talked about, became reality.

In less than 3 hours, everything went downhill, ambulance came, took her to the ED. I rushed back from work, saw her for the last time, got my heart crushed knowing the fact that she was dying even the doctors tried to sugarcoat things (I am in medical field, remember? Thanks for trying to reassure me anyway, I appreciate it) bailed my lungs out, went back to where she was to ajaq syahadah, I remembered she told me "ajaq Atok sebut Allah saja bila sampai masa nanti, takpayah panjang panjang, Allah saja". She passed away in front of me. 

You know when someone said "Menyesainya aku tak sempat menghadap arwah masa arwah nak meninggai" trust me, Allah knows best. Allah knows that you might not be able to handle it because up until this point, the image of Atok slowly, peacefully fading away was still in my mind, its the image that kept me awake at night. It wasn't a bad image macam dalam cerita tanah kubur sebab wallahi that was the most peaceful face of Atok "sleeping" after all the years. 

I cried when I bathe her, I cried when I kapankan Atok, I cried when I solatkan Atok, I cried when Atok was being lowered down into the ground to her new home sampai kita dibangkitkan kelak. The fact that people kept saying "Syukur la sebab Atok nampak tenang sangat" only comforted me a bit, but my mind was racing, kalau I pi kerja pun I dah rindu Atok, macam mana I nak tanggung rindu sampai kami jumpa balik?

I am grateful that Atok raised me up well, I am grateful that Atok taught me "biaq orang buat kita, jangan kita buat orang", I am glad for everything. 

The thing that I learnt from Atok passing ; this dunia is really temporary, one day you could be eating, talking to your granddaughter, the next day, you'll be meeting 'Izrail. Only your amalan will be with you. Makcik Aishah (one of the orang yang mandikan jenazah tu) cried and pulled my hands because I was busy washing Atok's hair, "tengok sayang, tengok muka Atok berubah" I couldn't understand, apa yang berubahnya? to which I realised, Atok's face turned rosy, her lips from blue black turned to pink, her cheeks turned rosy and she looked like she was only resting, from dunia and the pain.

The other thing is :

I hope Allah grant you the highest Jannah Tok. See you when I see you Atok. You know I love you so much right?

I took care of my Atok fully, took her everywhere with me even to my braces appointment, still I felt that my time with Atok wasn't enough. My advise is, if you have time to visit, take care of your parents, grandparents, do it. Even if you feel that you don't have time, just make time for them. When they are gone, the pain is masyaAllah, unbearable. 

I have so much of pending works, articles to publish. Will do that soon. Until then, please spare few minutes to recite the Fatiha for my Atok ya. Thank you kind people.